Our Loss

On Monday, November 16th, the day our son turned 1 1/2 years old, we suffered the greatest loss we have ever experienced. I had been 6 weeks pregnant with what we believed to be our second child; our first daughter. We had decided to wait to tell our family and friends until Thanksgiving. We made a cute shirt for our son to wear that said, "I'm going to be a big brother!" We had planned on having him wear it to Thanksgiving dinner. We had planned on so many things. After much debate, we decided having our children 2 years apart would be perfect and that an early summer baby was great because then I'd have off the summer and the first part of the school year for a total of 5 months at home with my kids. We had basically chosen her name; Taylor. I had planned out her nursery in my mind. We had not even officially been to the doctor, but for some reason we just knew she was a girl. My sister and best friend, who did not even know I was pregnant, both had dreams about me having a girl, and that just solidified what we already knew in our hearts.

Well, all those perfect plans ended on Monday night when I started experiencing menstrual-like cramps. I knew something was wrong. I feared for the worse, but prayed nonetheless and tried to continue our evening activities as if it would all be ok. After putting our son to bed, I called the doctor and while I was on the phone began to bleed. This was not just any old blood, but blood mixed with the remains of my child. If you have never experienced this, there are not even words to describe the pain and heartbreak that we have been going through. I drove myself to the hospital while my husband took care of our son. At the hospital I openly laid myself down on benches surrounded by sick people, and all the while experienced pains like that of early labor, crying, bleeding, heart-broken. When I went back to get my initial check-in with the nurse, he had the nerve to say, well could you be pregnant. "Well yes, I was anyway." I replied. His response, "Well what might have caused you not to be anymore?" I wanted to punch him, pull his stupid ears off of his head and spit in his face. "How the fuck should I know?!" as I am bent over in intense pain and anguish.

Our neighbors went to our house to watch our son so my husband could be with me. He arrived just as I was being brought into the ER room. After exams, needles, ultrasounds, etc. it was undetermined if I was actually having a miscarriage or if I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was admitted for the night, my first night away from my son, to be watched and retested in the morning.

As the nurse wheeled me to my room for the night, I kept seeing signs for labor and delivery. I was supposed to be going there in July, not now. It was like whips slapping my face. When I was wheeled into my room the first thing I saw was a picture of a baby, directly in front of my hospital bed, and promoting breastfeeding. My heart ached. How could they be so insensitive? Yes this was the mother, baby, and women wing of the hospital, but I could not have been the first woman admitted for a loss.

As I laid in my bed, crying, empty, I could not help but feel guilty. My initial thought was, why was God punishing me? But the more I have thought about it the more I am realizing he was trying to teach me. Which lessons?- Mostly to be grateful for my husband, who I have not valued as I should have the past few months. -To stop trying to control everything. -To appreciate everybody and everything that I have. I am grateful for the opening of my eyes, but my heart still hurts, for it was not my baby's fault that I was so selfish and ungrateful. I feel like she was sacrificed because of my foolishness. Will this wound ever heal? Will God ever give us another child? Will my daughter forgive me in heaven?

I was sent home on Tuesday morning after another ultrasound and blood test confirmed I was experiencing a miscarriage. I am grateful it was not an ectopic pregnancy. Mostly I am grateful that my husband is my rock; forgiving, understanding, loving, and forever my partner. I am grateful I have a perfect 18 month old son at home, who is everything a mother could want in a child. I am grateful for my family who has helped us through this grief and pain. And I am grateful that God is grace and always present.

-Mama K