Separation Anxiety

I'm apologizing in advance the rambling and disorganization that will likely follow. I'm a bit emotional today. So first off, we are in the process of weaning Trouble. Why? Well mainly because now that he is a year old he technically does not need breastmilk anymore and there is a glimmer of hope or a prayer at least, that maybe once he stops nursing he will actually sleep at night. Reason number 2, Hubby is pushing it a little. I don't know why, but he is. So thus far we have cut back to morning, bedtime, and two middle of the night nursing sessions. No more bottles while I am at work, which means I don't have to pump anymore. You'd think I'd be shouting hooray for that, but I almost burst into tears on Friday during my last pumping session. I don't know why. I'm beginning to think that I'm having post-partum depression a year late. So today was my first day with Trouble where I had to go all day without nursing him. He has been fine the past 2 weeks while I'm at work without his bottles (according to Hubby and the nanny), and this morning he was fine too. But this afternoon, he wanted milk. It was tough to not nurse. He won't drink cow's milk. I'm really hoping it will grow on him because that would make it so much easier. So juice and water have to substitute and they aren't quite the same. Plus my boobs felt huge today. And it makes me sad that they are gradually going to produce less and less and then just become loose, ugly, useless balloons, until I have my next baby. To make matters worse, I don't see an end in sight. I honestly don't believe he is going to sleep better once he is completely weaned. I don't think I'll ever sleep again. He used to fall asleep on his own (and he still does for naps), but now he just wants to be rocked to sleep and Hubby can't ever get him to go back to sleep, so how is he ever going to learn not to nurse at night unless I just let him cry and cry and cry. I don't want to do that. I can't. I keep thinking: Treat others the way you want to be treated. I wouldn't want to cry myself to sleep. I wouldn't want to be calling for my mom and have her just never come until it was convenient for her (i.e. the morning). Letting him cry seems like the easy way out. I don't take the easy way out. I have to be the best and do everything the best, but I'm at a loss. Why won't he sleep? And now, the last time I do actually nurse him, which I imagine might be in less than a month, it'll be in the middle of the night. And I bet I'll have to just say, no. I'll have to just sit in my bedroom and say, :"No I am not going in there to nurse him." Yeah Hubby can go in to try and comfort him, but I bet it won't work. I bet he'll still cry and cry and yell "MAMA!" It makes me wonder if he's not ready to wean. But if not now then when? When I'm so exhausted that I can't function anymore? When he has to because there is another baby I have to nurse (who mind you will likely leave me just as exhausted)?

And now for my second point (or whatever number I'm on). Separation Anxiety. Yes, Trouble is likely dealing with this again since he won't fall asleep on his own anymore. But I'm the one who is really dealing with it. I think I've left him with a sitter maybe 3 times by choice since he's been born. Yes I work full time so I have to leave him for that, but that doesn't really count because I have to. And because I have to leave him so much for work I never want to leave him any other time. Hubby and I rarely get any alone time because I won't go. But what's the point? I have nurse Trouble before he goes to bed and then I have to get home in time before he wakes up again to nurse. It used to be that I didn't want a sitter to have to give him a bottle because then I'd have to pump, but now he's done with bottles, so I don't even have that option.

I just want him to sleep. To peacefully sleep. Without crying. Without waking (until morning of course). I want to feel like I can have a little freedom. I want the guilt to go away.