Un-Healthy : (

Its amazing how we can take our health for granted. Its also amazing how much scarier it is when your child gets sick than when anyone else in the universe gets sick. I have been completely unprepared how helpless I would feel when the health of my child was in question. Handsome is our high need child, and has been to the pediatrician more times than Sassy but its always been a minor issue and nothing to worry about. But this time we found a lump. Those are words that you never want to hear or say; nothing good can possibly come from them. I had to take my precious little man to the ER and for hours of testing and we still know nothing. Well, that's not entirely true, we know its not anything that will require emergency surgery. They've sent us home for the weekend and we will try for more answers next week. He's happy and doesn't seem to be in any pain, so that is good.

But I can not stop my mind from reeling with the possibilities of what could be wrong with him. I am overwhelmed with thoughts; I worry that he'll need more tests and procedures that will be painful (I'm not even thrilled with the idea of uncomfortable). I worry that those tests will result in a surgery, and I have about a million worries about surgery. I worry that there could be permanent damage done to him. I feel guilty because I can't fix it. I feel guilty because I wonder if something I did (or didn't do) while I was pregnant caused this to happen to him. I worry about the cost of all of this medical care. I worry we didn't find it in time. I hate all of the waiting.

And then on the other hand I am thankful that we have good insurance and are able to take him to the best pediatricians and hospitals. I am thankful that we found the lump. I am thankful that he's otherwise healthy and that Sassy is healthy. I'm thankful that this is the first time we've had to deal with anything like this. I am thankful that he didn't need emergency surgery. I am thankful that he isn't in any pain. And I am thankful for all of the friends and family we have to lean on during times like this; people that I tend to forget care so much for me and my little family.

With any luck this will just be a reminder from the universe of our mortality and a gentle nudge toward living a more full and gracious life.

Fingers crossed!
T